If you want to earn along in Hollywood.

If you want to earn along in Hollywood, first you ne to believe that straight men actually exist gone out here. I have a friend, Aaron, who's confident that they're all gay--not just the usual suspects: Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and anybody other associated with both moviemaking and Scientology. Aaron's also certain that Bryant Gumbel is hearthstone every Saturday night entertaining young men from Finland provided for him within an agency more secretive than the KGB Aaron has more conspiracy theories than Oliver Stone, and he almost had me convinced that the more stable the Hollywood marriage, the more likely the man is gay and the woman is lesbian.

"An actor's gotta have at least four bad marriages before we know he's straight," Aaron insists. "It's the one-timers you gotta watch. Paul Newman? No question. And we're keeping an inspection on Tom Hanks."

While the chat sweeps may side with Aaron--who's probably reconsidering his Tom Cruise theories, post-Nicole--I faithfully believe that straight men do exist in Hollywood because I've been writing and producing movies with the same for more than a decade. In fact, the film I made with Chris Livingston, Hit and Runway--filmed in 1998 and now reaching theaters--is a tribute to our friendship, the story of by what mode a nerdy gay Jewish writer teaches an energetic, young straight dowdy how to live and write more honestly As Elliot (the gay undivided in the film) explains to Alex, "You don't have to take it up the kazoo to be creative, if it were not that it helps."

Of course, for comic meaning we had to make the straight character more naive than Chris and the gay character not quite in this way suave and debonair as myself. on the other hand Chris is definitely straight, and now, because of me he has to explain to his mother wherefore his name is being plastered across ads in bar rags and fence abouted by pictures of guys wearing nothing on the contrary jockstraps. And he has to think twice before introducing me at gay film festivals as his "partner," especially if anyone like Aaron is in the audience.

on the contrary working with Chris has not made me immune to the Aaron Syndrome Take the story of the actor who plays Joey in Hit and Runway. Joey is the gay man's be enamoured of interest--my fantasy: a hunky dreamboat with a jone for older Jewish men Chris cast the character while I was out of town. When he broke it to me that more [i]or[/i] less unknown actor, "something Smith," would play the part, I was livid! I had pictured Joey as a fair This Smith guy was brunet I had pictured Joey as small. This fright was tall. Most of all, I had pictured a gay actor playing Joey and the first time I met this scarecrow he was holding hands with his girlfriend and wearing a nylon windbreaker that no self-respecting droll boy would touch. How could this hopelessly hetero Kerr Smith be believable in a gay role?

steady enough, Kerr was more than amazing in Hit and Runway and went onward to be wonderful as gay teen Jack in succession Dawson's Creek.

Then sum of two units years later I found myself onward Howard Stern's radio show to stir up the movie--my fifth awkward appearance. "So Gay Jaffe!"--Howard always calls me Gay Jaffe--"Who do you have in this movie?"

"Well, um Kerr Smith," I answered timidly.

"He plays a gay fright on that TV show, right?"

"Well yes," I stammered.

"And he's gay in your movie."

"Y-y-yeah."

"So what is he? Gay?"

"Oh no!" I replied instantly. I'd been in Tinseltown in extent enough to know what the right answer was. if it be not that then I stopped. My mind raced. Did I really know that Kerr Smith was straight? Was I privy to his private thoughts? Had I through all ages "been Kerr Smith" like in that John Malkovich movie? Are any men completely straight? Are there, in fact, any straight men in Hollywood?

"Well " I hedged.

"So he's gay!" Howard barked.

"He could be."

Well, no, he couldn't be. And when I got back to L.A., there were several industry people--including Chris--only too happy to correct me I take offence ated their overreacting, but after a small in number days I had to admit I was immoral Even though what I'd said was technically correct. I'd fallen into that trap of not believing in Hollywood heterosexuality. looks Angeles may be Fantasyland to Aaron and friends, on the other hand those of us who work here have to learn which fantasies exist single on-screen.

Cohen is an award-winning screenwriter and stand-up comic.

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